Reason being why i didn take any step in making close friends in poly is because i don't see myself as a good friend. i can't hold more than one commitment. i go around hurting and neglecting those around me and till now, i can't afford to go on further doing this to more people. People may tell me,"oh nooo, you are really good". then all i can say is stop lying to me and yourself. either that, you're not close enough to know what i mean.
i hate the fact that whenever i take a break from things, i find myself staring in blank space. thinking about what kind of person i am. i tried imagining how it would have felt if i were them, and indeed it felt terrible. but.. still i'm not doing anythingg. i wouldn't say "i dunno what to do", "i can't do anything about it" etc. cause its all...excuses. i stop using phrases like,"i will be by your side". i know it clearly for myself that i can't be by someone side 24/7, buut as long as i know i can i will try.
Whenever i thought of turning to someone to share my joy or sorrow with, i hesitate. of course i have my awesome bf with me. i know that(: what i'm referring to is, other than him.
i find myself struggling to open to people around me noow. i mean, really difficult. whyy? in the past, i was deliberately trying to keep things away from others. Now, it just happen so naturally.
its a blessing for me to have friends who are still by my side after 3 years. and only one special friend ever stayed. she is rolinda also known as my dajie(: She have such forgiving character, she forgive me for whatever i have done wrong. if it was others, they would have scolded me and left me long ago. i'm sry and thankyou.
i dunno if my doings are right but its going to be for the well-being for my friends too. okayy, emotional post but feeling so much better after dumping my thoughts here. actually, i miss everyone. off to bed. byee.
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